(or, “Humour” as we Canadians write)
I’m Not Old, but I’m Getting There. (Just Ask My Night Table).
My physical tenderness fosters a complimentary sympathy from my kids: “Can we wrestle, Dad, or is your back sore?” As with all life forms that have come before me, I am barreling towards extinction. My most recent reminder of this came courtesy of my dentist:
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I Think I Have Some Brad Pitt Issues…
I simply accept there are people I will never be: such as Brad Pitt. The guy is perfect. Frustratingly, tauntingly, consistently perfect. If he were a pizza he would have all your favourite toppings, be fresh, be delivered on time, and be free.
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10 Signs I’ve Become Just Like My Parents
The careless teenager whose mouth would get him in trouble and whose fast sprint got him out of ii is gone. Instead, the reflection–and personality that goes with it–is beginning to more and more resemble…my parents
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Is Chivalry a Medieval Concept? My Horse Says “Yes!”
I don’t think chivalry is dead, but rather is being replaced by a much fairer option: COMMON SENSE!
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Why Am I The Problem Because I Hate Being Late?
No. I’m not anal. Since fatherhood has been added to my list of responsibilities, I have even less time to waste waiting for others. Unless there was an unforeseen, unavoidable circumstance, it is rude to keep anyone waiting for more than 15 minutes. Even a ten minute delay is rude if it’s habitual.
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Relationship Trouble: When We Listen With Our Own Filter.
I realized why I felt so dejected. She said: “Why not ask for help?” I heard: “Why not give up on yourself?”
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Yeah? Well You Don’t Bring Me Flowers, Either!
Women are on the receiving end of thousands of other unspoken gestures of love from their partners. If you’re not, your relationship has more of a need for counselling than it does for flowers.
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There’s Another Term for Squeaky Wheels: Crazy People.
That constant, relentless, merciless, high-pitched squeaking will bring a person to their knees. With the right wheel, with enough accumulated rust and a little bit of friction, you can annoy a moose into knitting a scarf. A wheel’s squeak can be just that bad. As can people.
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My Best Friend has a New Friend. (OMG, am I Out??)
Neighbor is…BRITISH! Like, with an accent. Like, British in the same way Daniel Craig and Pierce Brosnan and Queen Elizabeth are British. This guy definitely has some James Bond Cool in him. I’ve been told I have a little Queen Elizabeth in me (especially when I whine in a blog post).
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Are You Annoying and Inconsiderate?? These Rules Might Help:
A guy was supposed to meet me at 2pm. He called at 2:15 to let me know he was running 45 minutes behind schedule. That kind of stuff really gets my goat. But, I blog, therefore I am:
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The Way to My Heart is Not With a Power Tool! (Unless it’s a Rib Spreader)
Cat Stevens understood it. So did Mike and the Mechanics, Jimmy Buffet, John Lennon and Elton John. That understanding is the reason “Father and Son”, “The Living Years”, “The Captain and the Kid”, “Beautiful Boy”, and “The Last Song” do not mention a DeWalt 18v Li-Ion XR Combi Drill (found here, on sale in Europe).
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Control Your Vice, Please. Part 1: Dogs
…when you remove a creature from its natural habitat and make it a member of your family, there should be certain constraints put on it. It this case, it’s called a leash. If you own a dog, and the two of you are neither in your house nor frolicking in a dog run, whichever of…
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Of COURSE I Have Mood Swings. Why Do You Think It’s Called a ‘Men’strual Cycle?
Could it be we all have cycles? Ok, ok, calm down for a minute. Allow your eyes to roll all the way around and then refocus on the screen…I’ll wait.
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5 Keys to Customer Service, from a Customer (Imagine!)
There are certain essentials to properly serving a customer. There are also consistent gaffes perpetrated by the service industry which, if handled properly, may cost them short-term profits but result in long-term fortune. This is my second post regarding customer service. My first dealt with shopping, this one will deal with issues I faced at…
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Yeah? Well, if Everyone Was Like YOU, This Place Would Suck.
Siiigghhhhh. People. Without them, where would we be? The problem is: an inordinate percentage of people are dopes. The rest of us expend too much energy circumventing their dopiness. Here are a few rules we non-dopes would like obeyed (I only hope my readership is comprised of a significant number of dopes lest this column…
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The Difference Is: Headless Chickens Slow Down Eventually…
It’s back, that agitation; that impatience. I noticed it the other day, again behind the wheel of the car, only this time on a flat, grey, crowded six-lane highway 900 miles from that vacation. It was snowing, and, as happens so often here, an inch of snow had brought traffic to a crawl. “Come ON!”…
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So I Care About a Fish, and I Moisturize…So What??
I supposed my broken heart over Emma The Fish’s habitat will remain hidden from my guy friends along-side my search for a smooth, aroma-free, reasonably-priced facial moisturizer.
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This is My Penance for Having Neglected Spaghetti Stains
I promise from this moment on I shall never:…Upon noticing The Stain: attempt to convince myself or others it will be more easily cleaned once it has dried, to then be picked off the garment with my finger nail.
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Today’s Procrastinator Meeting Has Been Postponed Until Next Week.
If I were president of Procrastinators Anonymous, we would never get around to our first meeting. I’m officially at a stage in my life when the list of chores, children’s needs, and personal projects seems endless. Yet, I haven’t learned that ignoring that list is not making it any shorter.
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Maybe the World Doesn’t Always WANT to be Changed by a Salad?
“CHANGE THE WORLD ONE SALAD AT A TIME…” …So commands this one-pound, over-packaged plastic box of San Marino Mix I recently purchased at the grocery store. Really? Change the world? With a salad?
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Men Need a Purse for all these Darn Rewards Cards!
Since I rarely have my wallet on my person due to its cumbersome nature, I often find myself face to face with a cashier asking for my rewards card, which I am without. “Do you have a ____card?” “No.” “Would you like one?” “I have one already, just not on me.” “Well, that’s not very…
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Like I’ve Got Time to Deal with Cable Companies…
I suppose no one really ever feels they have enough free time, though I felt I had much more of it before parenthood filled my grid with the nutritional, emotional, educational, and hygienic needs of my offspring…So, when I waste hours, or even a couple of half-days on the phone shovelling my way through telecommunication…
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